It's Like I'm Not Me
by Isabella Black Cullen
Summary: What happens when Edward leaves Bella with somethign that she didn't expect. How does she cope with that? Read this and you will find out. Slightly BXJ but most certainly and mainly BXE. WARNING Severe sexual content, cutting, and drugs If you read review
1. Chapter 1

A

**A.N Hey guys this is my first fanfiction ever about Twilight. I hope that you love it just as much as I do. Please review after you've read it. I don't care what kind of review it is, just please R&R. **

**Disclaimer: I do not and will not ever own Twilight. Stephanie Meyer holds that right. whispers lucky brat. Lol. **

**Well this is my story of how Isabella coped with losing Edward in New Moon only Edward and everybody else are human. See how Bella has been able to live at all after he left. NOTHING IN AFTER EDWARD LEFT IN NEW MOON OR IN ECLIPSE AND BREAKING DAWN EVER HAPPENED. (I figured that I would just let you know. Lol)**

**Now onto my story**

_"I don't want you anymore, I no longer lover you." His words cut through my heart like daggers. I blinked rapidly, my mind not able to grasp what he was telling me. I shook my head and stared at the cold emerald eyes that pierced my own. _

"_I don't understand, I gave you everything." My voice was steady, considering that my heart and soul were breaking before him. "Why are you trying to hurt me?" The tears were tugging at the corners of my eyes. _

"_Maybe you did give yourself to me a little too quickly. You aren't a challenge anymore. You're just too easy…" His words trailed off as he turned and walked away from me. _**A.N I know that many of you hate me right now but it does get better I swear it does. **

I woke up feeling the familiar ache in my heart after I relived the worst living nightmare of my life. It's been 2 years since then and my subconscious mind keeps dreaming sometimes that it never happened. When I look at my dingy apartment in Seattle, and at the crib that is lying near my bed I know that he truly is gone. I stare at the face of my angel and smile. He truly is the most beautiful little boy that I've ever seen.

Yes, little boy. A little boy with bronze curls and my brown eyes. His face however reminds me of the man who left me. The man that I still cannot force my self to hate and force my self to stop loving. I've given up on hope, yes, but I've never given up on how much I still love him. Anthony, my most adorable creation, has become my new heart and soul. I will do anything in my power to keep him safe and protected.

2 years ago, when I found out that I was pregnant, I left Charlie. I didn't give him and explanation; I just went down to La Push and asked Jacob to run away with me. **A.N yes I know that Bella doesn't really know Jacob after Edward leaves but just pretend. Lol**. Ever since then Jacob has been working days as a mechanic, while I have been working nights at the local club. We set it up this way so that Anthony is never alone.

I work as a cocktail waitress or at least that's what I tell Jacob. The truth is that I started out as a cocktail waitress and worked my way up to a stripper. Some say that it is degrading but I don't find anything degrading in it as long as my son has food in his belly.

I caressed his sleeping face and smile down at my creation. He looks so peaceful and serene when he's like this. He almost looks like Ed- No! I force my mind to stop thinking his name again; I just can't handle the baggage of it anymore. I kiss his cheek lightly and head towards the bathroom to look at the damage that I've done to myself.

I turn on the hard fluorescent light and close my eyes. I know that I'm staring at the mirror; I just now have to make myself to open my eyes. I take a deep breath before I do so. A sob chokes my throat as I fight not to cry. My arms are the worst, tiny scars and fresh cuts now line the edge of my wrist, which is why I wear gloves on stage. I realize that I don't want to kill myself; I only want physical scars that can make me understand why I'm in pain. The emotional scars aren't great either but at least with the physical scars I can control how much I'm in pain. I turn my head to the side to stare at the right side of my neck. They are covered in purple hickey's that line my collarbone. I tremble and pull my arms around my torso, fighting to hold myself together.

As I stare in the mirror the thing that frightens me the most is the dead look in my eyes. I hide this look from Jacob and Anthony when I'm around them but this look is what I've been living with for the past two years. The dead look that says something's died inside of me and I just haven't figured it out yet. I wrap the jacket tighter around my body and head towards the living room, sprawling across the couch to aimlessly flick through the channels.

"Bells! You home?" I hear Jacob come in and plaster my best fake, professional smile over my face. I can't help but smile when Jacob is around. Once or twice he's gotten a real smile out of me and he's the only one that know how to. I sit up and let him sit next to me. "What have you been doing all day?" He asked, giving me a friendly kiss on my cheek.

"Nothing, just sitting around the house waiting to go to work." I smile and look over at the clock. "Oh and I see that now I've only got half an hour until I have to be there." I stand up and smile at Jacob before going into the room and getting dressed.

(Four hours later)

I take a deep breath before I push myself out into the bar and cocktail area. I'd already done my three sets on stage and now is when I go out into the crowd and please the men individually. I hear laughter from the corner table and hear and big shout of happy birthday. I figured that maybe I would get the most there, seeing as how they were all very drunk and looked like they had money.

I walked over to the birthday boy and sat down in his lap. "So how you would you like a private dance with me for your birthday?" I asked seductively in his ear, breathing coarsely and sexually.

Someone handed him 30 and he stuffed it into my little boy short panties. "I think that I would love that." He voice sounded familiar but I just couldn't place it anywhere. I smiled against the side of his face, leaning away and staring into his face. A face that had gone from drunken happy to shock. "Bella?" He asked staring at me like he knew me.

"Yes." I said calmly, I still had no idea who this is.

"Don't you remember me? I'm Mike Newton. I went to high school with you before you left 2 years ago." My heart was pounding in my throat by the end of his little speech. My jaw hung open and I couldn't help but shake my head.

I took out the money and handed it back to him. "Happy birthday." I said before standing up and starting to walk away. A hand stopped me and it was Mike's. I stared down at him and his drunken stupor took over him.

"Now why not just give me one dance." He said standing and stuffing the money back inside my boy shorts. I closed my eyes and nodded, I couldn't just let the money go so I did what I had to do.

I took him into the back room and sat him down, before sitting on top of him and grinding. He was moaning in my ear and trying to kiss me. "You don't know how long it's been since I've thought about you sitting on top of me, _riding_ me." His words were vulgar but I was used to vulgarity. I just wasn't used to it from someone that used to be my friend. "Are you allowed to fuck your customers or do I have to pay you more for that?" I pushed away from him and saw the sadistic smile marching across his face. I shook my head and ran away backstage. I sank down into a thin straight backed chair and let my face fall into my hands.

I let a few tears slip but I couldn't allow myself the privilege of crying until I was safely in my bathroom at home. I looked in the mirror and wiped the tears from my eyes, getting back to my original and professional face. I smiled and walked back into the throng of people.

I kept my head up high and was everything that these men wanted me to be, on the inside I was the scared little girl left alone in the dark….

**A.N Okay that was chapter one. If you don't like it trust me it gets better. Edward will appear in the next chapter I promise you. And BTW there is a slight relationship going on between Jacob and Bella. But you'll find out about that in the next chapter. **

**So you know that drill Hit the little button and start reviewing. Please? Lol Stay tuned for the next chapter. **


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: As always I do not nor will I ever own Twilight

**Disclaimer: As always I do not nor will I ever own Twilight. That right is reserved for the god Stephenie Meyer. **

**A.N Alright here's is the point that you have been waiting for. A little more Edward put into the mix. This will be in Bella's point of view. The whole story will be in Bella's POV. I won't change it. **

I walked out of the backstage area and literally walked into my friend of a year and a half, Lily. She steadied herself against me and smiled up at me. "Sorry about that, Chica." She set her hand on my shoulder and I couldn't help but give her one of my real smiles back. Lily was the gorgeous Latina type. With long straight black hair, naturally tanned skin, brown eyes, and a body with curves that made me envy her. "Hey listen I was just looking for you. I was wondering if you would do me a favor. Jared says that I have to do the birthday party for this guy Mike and he told me to find someone to do my last set. I was wondering if you could do it. Unless you want the party, 'cause then I'll just go up on stage." I shook my head immediately when she said Mike's name and gulped hard enough to hurt.

"No it's alright. I'll go on for your set. I don't want to go near that guy. I was just giving him a dance and he asked me how much it would be to fuck him." I whispered, feeling the tears coming back to my eyes and I kept them wide so that they wouldn't fall.

"Are you serious? Wow. I'll be careful around him. But thank you so much, Chica. The song that you are going to dance to is Addicted by Kelly Clarkson. It's very edgy and gothic so I figured that you would be the best one for it. Seeing as how you are so edgy and sexily gothic." She giggled with a smile that made her eyes brighter.

"Thanks, Lily." I said and gave her a hug before she went towards the party. I took a deep breath before returning backstage.

I stared into the mirror as I readjusted my makeup and threw the gloves over the back of the chair. If they wanted dark, edgy, and gothic then I would give it to them. I stared at myself, my black eye shadow making my eyes seem to pop out and I couldn't help but smile. This whole black goth chic made me feel sexy and dominant, something that I've never felt in my life.

"GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME OUT VERY OWN BELLA DONNA!!" I smiled at my stage name and walked on to the black stage, leaning against the pole with my arms wrapped around it behind me. (**A.N Bella Donna is a poison just to let everybody know.)** I heard the song start and I crawled around the stage, letting my hands run up and down my body in a provocative way. The words of the song making me feeling hurt, unloved, and just a little bit dangerous.

**Addicted by Kelly Clarkson**  
**It's like you're a drug  
It's like you're a demon I can't face down  
It's like I'm stuck  
It's like I'm running from you all the time  
And I know I let you have all the power  
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around  
It's like you're a leech  
Sucking the life from me  
It's like I can't breathe  
Without you inside of me  
And I know I let you have all the power  
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time**

It's like I can't breathe  
It's like I can't see anything  
Nothing but you  
I'm addicted to you  
It's like I can't think  
Without you interrupting me  
In my thoughts  
In my dreams  
You've taken over me  
It's like I'm not me  
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost  
It's like I'm giving up slowly  
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me  
Leave me alone  
And I know these voices in my head  
Are mine alone  
And I know I'll never change my ways  
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe  
It's like I can't see anything  
Nothing but you  
I'm addicted to you  
It's like I can't think  
Without you interrupting me  
In my thoughts  
In my dreams  
You've taken over me  
It's like I'm not me  
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you  
I need a fix  
I can't take it  
Just one more hit  
I promise I can deal with it  
I'll handle it, quit it  
Just one more time  
Then that's it  
Just a little bit more to get me through this

In the middle of the song as I was grinding against the pole I looked out into the ground and gave then men before me my best come hither look. It was when my eyes met familiar green one's that my body started to tense up. _That can't be him. My mind must be playing tricks on me._ I mentally shook my head and looked away from the green eyes and kept myself dancing sexily around the stage. 

**  
I'm hooked on you  
I need a fix  
I can't take it  
Just one more hit  
I promise I can deal with it  
I'll handle it, quit it  
Just one more time  
Then that's it  
Just a little bit more to get me through this**

It's like I can't breathe  
It's like I can't see anything  
Nothing but you  
I'm addicted to you  
It's like I can't think  
Without you interrupting me  
In my thoughts  
In my dreams  
You've taken over me  
It's like I'm not me  
It's like I'm not me

I stared out into the crowd as men were shoving 20 bills down my little shorts. I smiled at them and accepted their money with pride. It was when I felt a roll of money in my hand that I looked up. _It is him!_ My mind screamed as my breath hitched in my throat and I couldn't help but tremble. I cleared my throat and went back to business. "Thank you." I mumbled and started to walk backstage as the announcer was welcoming on another girl. I sat in the same straight backed chair and stared at the money in my hand. I unrolled it and counted it three times before my mind could make any sense of it.

"He's giving me five hundred dollars. I knew he was loaded but this doesn't make sense." I threw the money down on my vanity and let my body succumb to the comfort of tears. I stared down at the floor and couldn't help but clutch my stomach, almost like I could still feel Anthony inside of me. "Why did he have to be here? What did he want?" I asked myself and wrapped my arms around my legs.

"Bella?" I heard his voice and my body tensed. I couldn't look at him, instead I just looked at the ground.

"What are you doing here?" I asked my voice whispering so low that I'm surprised that he even heard me.

"I should be asking you that question! A stripper, Bella? What the hell did you do to yourself?" He asked and I started to get angry.

I threw myself out of the chair and stared into his eyes. "What did I do? It wasn't what I did it's what you did!" I screamed, my face streaming with tears but my eyes held nothing but rage. "You're the one who put me here. If you hadn't left then I wouldn't have to do this to take care of us." I turned away from him and hung my head.

I felt his hands on my shoulders and I shrugged them off. "What do you mean us?" He asked, I could feel the line of his body up against my back.

I tentatively looked up at his eyes in the mirror. I shook my head and touched my stomach again. "You aren't in my life anymore, Edward. You have no right to ask me anything about my life anymore. Why don't you just leave me alone?" I asked and pushed him away from me, grabbing my coat and wrapping it around my body as I went out into the cold January air.

The wind whipped around my face as I trudged up the stairs towards my apartment. I couldn't help but whimper and I pushed open the door and slide against it. It took two minutes but I was able to get up and go into the bedroom. I stared down at Anthony and smiled at his sleeping face. "Daddy's back…" I whispered and sank down to the floor, my eyes now dry because I didn't have any tears left.

I grabbed the scissors from the floor and let myself take advantage of the numbness moving throughout my body. "Daddy's back…" I whispered into unconsciousness.

**A.N alright that's chapter two now I expect at least five reviews or more for this or else I am not going to update. So please just hit the button it won't take long and it's completely painless. I promise!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N Hey people I am so sorry that I haven't updated in forever it's just been so hectic from trying to find a job and then getting kicked out of college. I promise though that I will try and update more often for you. I really am sorry I hope that all of my fans can forgive me….**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer holds that privilege and luxury.**

I could feel hands shaking my shoulders, trying to wake me up. I pushed at the hands and couldn't help the whimper that came from my throat. "No…don't touch me." My voice was raspy and my eyes felt too heavy to open. 

"Bella…come on baby. Get up your bleeding." I felt his hand grab my arms and start to pull me to my feet. "What happened Bella? You haven't done this in months, I thought that you had finally stopped." I heard my lie being spoken back to me. I just shook my head and leaned against Jacob. "Come on. Lets get you cleaned up." I opened my eyes and walked towards the bathroom. 

While Jacob was cleaning up my wounds I leaned my hip against the counter and watched as he wiped the blood from my arms. I kept my eyes purposely away from his and thought of the night before. 

"You were dreaming about him again weren't you? You usually only do this after you've dreamt of him." He didn't ask me to explain but I knew that he was just waiting for me to tell him on my own time. 

I shook my head and chewed on my bottom lip. "I wasn't dreaming about him. I saw him last night. He came by the club, asking why I was there." I cringed away from the site of my own blood and instead stared at my face in the mirror, a face that scared me. I chewed on my bottom lip as I felt Jacob wrap a gauze around my wrist to stop the bleeding and mend the broken skin. 

"Was he surprised?" Jacob jumped up to sit on the counter and pulled me into his warm embrace. He stared into my eyes and trailed his fingers across my cheek. "Don't be upset. I was surprised too the first time I saw you dance." My breath hitched in my throat as I stood still and frozen inside of his arms. He cupped my face between his hands and gently caressed my cheek with his thumb. "I wanted to surprise you one night and you turned around toward me on stage, surprising me. At first I was angry until I saw your face. I could see the raw pain and heartache on your face but not once did you falter. I saw the courage inside of you on that night. The courage to throw away your morals and do what you needed to for Anthony. After I saw that I felt proud of you, but I didn't say anything because I knew that you didn't want to tell me." He kissed my forehead, a kiss that I didn't deserve. 

"He was angry with me, but I couldn't tell him about Anthony. I didn't think that he would care. He had said that he didn't want me, what would make him want me now? What would make him want Anthony?" I trembled against him, laying my cheek against his shoulder. "I'm scared, Jacob." My voice didn't sound recognizable to me, it sounded weak and frightened. 

"He can't hurt you anymore, baby. No one can do that anymore." He kissed my hair and pushed me away from him, staring into my eyes. He pushed a lock of hair fro my face and smile at me. "I know that Edward hurt you, but maybe he realized what he's done now. He was only seventeen, Bella, just like you. You've both grown up, maybe he just understands that he made a mistake." The truth in his words made me beg that they were true. I hoped with everything that I had that Edward would really come back to me. No matter what he had done to me I would have gone back to him in a heartbeat. 

"I hope that were true, Jacob, but even if he does come back to me how can I trust him against? He broke my heart, how do I know that he won't do it again?" One tear rolled down my cheek, I watched as Jacob reached towards my face to wipe away my tears. 

"You won't know unless you try to let him in again, baby." Jacob pulled me into his arms as I trembled from quiet sobs. 

__________________________________________________________________

Hours later I was back in the club with my best professional smile highlighting my face. I had already had my time on stage without seeing Edward. I felt my heart break a little bit but I thought that maybe it was better this way. My life could go back to normal now. I walked towards the bar and smiled at the bartender who had become my best friend when I was depressed. 

I saw at one of the stools and leaned my arms on the wooden bar. "Give me three shots, Ryan. Put it on my tab." I smiled as he lined up my three shots of vodka.

"What's wrong?" He asked wiping down the already clean bar. 

"Life." I muttered as I threw back my first shot and slammed the glass back down. I had just finished my third one when I heard the voice that I had been dreading all night. 

"Is life that bad that you need to down three shots in 2 minutes?" I set my glass back down on the table and hung my head. I didn't want to answer back, hoping that the owner of that voice would go away. Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky. "Look at me." he demanded softly. I couldn't life my head though, I was still afraid to look. 

"I don't want to…" I whispered my fingers around my wrist as I felt my heart beating in my chest like a drum. My hair hung like a curtain around my face, while his fingers pushed back the curtain to look at me. "Please just leave me alone." My voice sounded weak and afraid and I could tell my how his body went rigid that he heard me. 

"Why Bella?" He asked his voice soft and his hands supple as they touched my cheek. He brushed the tears that were slowly winding down my cheek as I stared at his thumb, watching his lick the tears off his finger. I bit my lip and shook my head. "Bella, please, talk to me. I obviously need to fix this." He whispered and pushed my hair back away from my face. He lifted my head with his finger, forcing me to look into his eyes. I couldn't help but shudder at his touch and tremble at the sight of his bright green eyes staring back at me. 

I shook my head again and licked my lips. "I can't." I whispered, standing and trying to walk away from him. His hand grabbed my wrist so hard that I gasped. I flinched when his fingers touched the cuts that marred my skin. I whimpered and tried to pull my wrist away from him. I looked down at my wrist while his fingers trailed over my skin lightly. I could see his eyes widen and narrow in the matter of only a second. I ripped my wrist from his grasp and held my ground in front of him. "It's none of your business." I stated before walking away from him. I got as far as the boor to the dressing room when I heard his footsteps behind me. 

"Bella I didn't mean it…" His words trailed off and I stopped dead, my mouth gaping open slightly as I stared at the door. "I was young and stupid to have given you up Bella. All I need is one more chance to prove to you that I've changed. Bella, please." He whispered against my back, his breath causing my hair to move around my ear. 

I hung my head biting my lip. "It's not me you have to apologize to, Edward." I whispered looking behind my shoulder at his confused face. "I'm not the one who doesn't know who you are. I'm not the one that didn't know you existed, with only stories from me to know who were." I opened the stage door in a rush and slammed it behind me before breaking down in tears and looking at the picture of my smiling little boy taped to my mirror. 

I had put him there to give me strength every time before I ever went out on stage, but right now I needed strength for another reason. To keep myself strong from the heartbreak that was riding through ever inch of my body from my core for the father that he never knew. 

**A.N. Okay I know that I've been gone for a little while so this time I only want five reviews. I promise that I won't freak out if I only get one or two at least I know that people are still reading this story. So please I hope you enjoyed it. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N Okay I am updating again so I hope that everybody forgives me for how long it took me to update before. So I'm making it to everybody by updating sooner, only days later. So I hope that everybody will forgive me and will give me at least ten reviews for this before I update soon cause I've got the next chapter already written. Well with out further ado here is chapter 4! I hope you guys like it. **

I could feel the pounding of his fist on the stage door as I weakly slumped against it. I couldn't help but whimper each time he hit the door, feeling like he was pounding against the life that I had made for myself. A life that wasn't suitable for him to handle, a life that he wasn't ready to take in yet, a life where he didn't know that he had fathered a child. I hung my head down as I heard the pounding getting quieter and quieter, he was only knocking now, trying to persuade me to open the door. I couldn't push myself to stand up as I heard him pleading with me.

"Bella who were you talking about? Bella please tell me what's going on? I know there's something that you aren't telling me. Bella open the door!" He screamed at me and I felt the sobs rip from my throat harder than they did before. I wrapped my arms around my legs and sobbed against my knees. "Baby…" His words whispered against the door and I felt my spine start to tremble. _Baby…_ He used to call me that, every time when he knew that I was hiding something. I shook my head and wiped my cheeks free of tears. I wasn't going to give in as easily as I did then. I wasn't seventeen anymore. "Baby please open the door…" He cried against the door, I could almost feel his whole body pressing up against the door.

"Edward, I can't…" I whispered and stood up. I walked towards my vanity mirror and stared at my son. The little boy that had become my whole world. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I stared at my smiling angel. "Why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just let me live my life…" I trailed off hanging my head and running my fingers across the picture as my hand trailed down the mirror.

"Because I won't let you live your life like this…" His whispers frightened me and I jumped up, twirling around the face him. I stared in shock as he stood in my door way. I wrapped my arms around my core and wiped my tears hastily away.

"How did you get in here?" I asked turning away from him and facing the mirror. "That door is supposed to be locked." I murmured while staring at him behind me in the mirror. My face was hard and cold, a face that I had grow accustomed to from being here. The "blank" look as many people liked to call it.

"I picked the lock." He said as if that was the most normal thing in the world. "You're going to talk to me, Bella. You're going to tell me who you were telling me about. You're going to tell me what happened to make you like this. I didn't expect to find you like this. I thought that you would be in college or at least happy with your life." He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

I pushed him away from me and walked to the other side of the room, my heels pounding against the cold tile floors "I am happy with my life. You being here is what is making my life hell. You being here is making me think over and over again what it took for me to get to this place. A place where I don't care about anything anymore as long as we are taken care of. I don't care about you." I whispered the last part and turned away from him. I hung my head and put my hand to my forehead.

"Who's, Anthony?" He asked which caused my eyes to grow wide. I turned back towards him and noticed him holding the picture in his hand. I had written , _Anthony 1 year six months_, I hastily ripped the picture from his hand and held it to my heart, to keep it away from him. I noticed Edwards eyebrows furrowing and he looking like he was thinking about something. I guess when realization came around in his mind his eyes widened and he stared at me like he didn't know who I was. "Bella you didn't…" He whispered shaking his head. "Why didn't you come to me?" He asked moving towards me.

"Because you didn't want me anymore! You told me that you didn't love me anymore! Why would I go to the man that pushed me out of his life just because I wasn't enough of a challenge anymore? I left because you didn't want me. AND HE'S MINE!" I screamed clutching the picture to my chest and shaking my head. "You can't have him!" I shouted my heart clenching into tiny little pieces. My legs couldn't hold me up any longer as my knees buckled and my body hit the ground, shaking with sobs. I felt hands on my shoulders trying to pull me up to my feet but I pushed him away. I stared at his face and my lower lip trembled. Tears leaked from the corner of my eyes as I watched him lick his lip and try and touch my face. "I can't do this…" I whispered, pushing him away from me and throwing my coat on.

"Let me drive you home. Maybe we can talk about this." He said while standing behind me watching me get dressed.

I shook my head and looked over my shoulder at the man that I had loved since I knew what love was. "I think you're done enough, and I'm tired of talking." I trembled and ran out of my dressing room. I made it to the street before I hoped into a cab and made my way home.

I unclenched my hand from around the picture of my son that I had kept holding onto. I whimpered as I stared at his smile staring back at me. The same crooked smile of his father. "I can't have him around me…" I whispered touching the picture with the tip of my finger. "He can't have you, Anthony. I won't let him…" I whispered clutching the picture to my chest like a teddy bear and watching the city lights of the night fly by my window….

**A.N ok that's chapter** **like I promised and I will update sooner I promise. But like I said I expect atleast ten reviews for this before I update again. Well I hope you enjoyed it and I loved everybody who at least read it. Until next time…**

**~Isabella Black Cullen**


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N. hey guys sorry it took so long but you guys were the ones that kept me waiting. I wasn't going to review until I got ten reviews and last night I got my tenth. So I'm working my butt off right now to give you an absolutely fantabulous chapter. I hope that you like this chapter. **

**Disclaimer: As always I do not own or claim anything Twilight. That right is held by the Queen Stephanie Meyer. **

"MOMMA!" I heard the scream the minute that I walked in the door. I wiped the rest of my tears away and smile as my little boy ran into my legs as I closed the door. I scooped him up in my arms and kissed his head. " I misses you momma!" His little voice sounded innocent and pure.

"I missed you too pumpkin. Did you have fun with Uncle Jake?" I asked walking into the living room and finding Jake's eyes glued to the T.V screen. I think it was a football game but I could be wrong. I had never really paid any attention to sports.

"I wanna color." He said his little lip pouting at me. I smiled and kissed his forehead.

"Why Don't you put your pajama's on and then we can set up your coloring book?" I set him down as a great big squeal came from his mouth. He didn't say anything but just rushed into his room to grab his p.j.'s. I smiled at him and walked towards the couch, plopping myself down next to Jacob.

He looked over at me and his attention was instantly drawn to my puffy and red rimmed eyes. "What happened?" He asked puling me towards him and resting my head against his chest.

"He knows about Anthony." I whispered feeling the tears starting again. I chewed on my lip as I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "I left him at the club and took a cab here. Which is why I'm here hours before I'm supposed to be." I said sitting up and hearing the small feet pounding against the floor as Anthony came running up onto my lap.

"I'm ready!" He said his smile widening up at me with his crayons surrounded in his little fist. He hopped down off my lap and tugged on my hand. "Come on momma! Les go!" I stood up and let him lead me into his room. He sat down on the floor and took out the spider man coloring book that I had gotten him for Christmas. "You get dis page!" He shouted at me, ripping a page of spider sitting on top of a building, watching the streets of NYC. I smiled and took the page.

"Ok. You get to color one page and then it's bed time." I said smiling at the miracle before me, wrapping his fist around the red crayon and coloring in spider man's costume. I took one of the crayons and started coloring, my mind wandering off to where Edward was. Wondering if he had finally given up the search for me and just went home. He didn't belong here and I wasn't going to let him come into my life and screw everything up. I wasn't paying attention to how long I was sitting there with the crayon in my hand before I realized that Anthony was pulling the crayon from my hand.

"Was wong momma. You not coloring." He said hoping into my lap and resting his head against my chest.

"I'm sorry honey. Mommy's just thinking about a lot of things right now." I said kissing his forehead. I wrapped my arms around him and stood up. "Well mister I think that it's time for bed for you." I said putting him down in his bed. I smiled to myself as I sat next to his bed. "You wouldn't want to be tired for tomorrow would you?" I asked remembering that tomorrow was my night off and I was planning on doing something together with Anthony.

"Was happen tomorrow mommy?" He asked his little eyes already starting to flutter closed.

"It's a surprise. The faster you go to sleep the faster you get to know what it is." I said kissing his head and telling him good night. I turned on the night light in the corner of the room before turning the over head light off and closing the door behind me. I walked back into the living room to see Jake still staring at the T.V screen. "Jake are you going stay like that all night? What are you watching anyway?" I asked sitting down next to him again.

"It's the football playoff game. My teams is just four away from winning." I cocked an eyebrow and he didn't even look at me when he said that. I just shook my head and walked into the kitchen, making myself a snack before I went to bed. "Hmm…what should I make?" I asked myself as I looked into my cabinet. I was just about to decide when I heard a knock on my door. "It's ten at night who could that be?" I asked myself before walking into the living room to see Jacob already at the door. I could see who it was because Jake was towering over them. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked and tried to close the door.

"I need to talk to Bella." I heard Edwards voice say and I felt my body start shaking again. "Please Bella just talk to me." He said his head peeking out from behind Jacob. I nodded my head and pulled Jacob away from the door.

"Just go watch the game Jacob. I'll be fine." I said pushing him into the living room and walking towards the kitchen again, my appetite now completely gone. "What do you want?" I asked leaning my hip against the counter as he sat in one of the chairs around the small table. His eyes were glued to the fridge where pictures of Anthony reigned everywhere. "How did you find me anyway?" I asked my voice hostile and unwelcoming.

"One of your friends told me…um Alice I think her name was? Short little thing with short black hair? It almost took all of my money to make me tell her but she finally did." I huffed and looked away remembering that Alice had been to my home before, several times. I had forgotten that she was coming back to work tonight after she had been sick for a week. "Bella why did you tell me? You knew where I was I never left Forks. You could have told me, I would have done anything to try and help you." His voice was pleading with me.

"I didn't need your help. I've managed on my own for two years now and I'm fine." I said crossing my arms in front of me underneath my bust. "I may be a stripper but that's my problem. I did what I had to, to make sure that Anthony had food to eat and a place to sleep. I didn't need anybody feeling sorry for me so I left." I said licking my lips and hanging my head. I felt a lump in my throat and I tried my best to swallow it.

"Yes you did need my help! I could have at least done something to help you but now you had to be stubborn as usual and do things on your own without even realizing that what you had was half mine!" He shouted at me and my head snapped up, noticing that he was only three feet in front of me.

"Keep your voice down! Anthony is asleep and if you wake him up I swear to you that I will kick you out." I pushed past him and looked in on Anthony finding him sleeping with his little thumb in his mouth. I smiled and closed the door before turning back to Edward. " I think that we are finished here. You know where the door is." I said moving past him towards the cabinet.

"Oh no we are just beginning. That's my son Bella! I had a right to know that he existed. I could have given you everything if you had just come and told me!" I spun around then and smacked his left cheek as hard as I could.

"You didn't want me! If I had known that you would have done something I would have told you but you didn't want me! What would make you want Anthony? I wasn't about to tell you and have you think that I was a whore and have you scream at me that he wasn't yours! I have raised my son to the best of my ability and he's perfect. I won't have you coming into my life and ruining everything that I have worked so hard for." I was panting by then, my tears running down my face without my realizing it.

"Momma?" A little voice that scared me came from behind Edward. I ran towards Anthony and scooped him up in my arms. I held him to my chest and kissed his head. "Wats wong momma? Whos dat?" He asked looking over at Edward and Edward stood there with his mouth hung open.

"Don't worry about him honey. He's nobody." I said moving back towards Anthony's room. "Come sweetie it's alright. Lets just get you back to sleep." I said putting him back under his covers.

"Why you crying momma?" He asked touching my cheeks with his small hands.

"Don't worry about it honey just go back to sleep." I said kissing his head and turning towards the door to find Edward watching me. I pushed him out and closed the door behind me. "I think it's time for you to leave." I said pushing him towards the front door. I turned away from him and felt him catch my wrist in his hand.

"Bella please I'm sorry…I didn't know what I was doing. I was only seventeen Bella. I didn't know that the feelings that I had for you were love. I was an idiot. I know that now. But please Bella. Please don't shut me out of his life. Let me know who he is." He said tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I bit my lip and hung my head nodding.

"Come by tomorrow at noon. I'm taking Anthony to the park. You can come by then." I said and looked up into his eyes again, the same emerald green eyes that I had fallen in love with.

"Thank you…" His voice sounded like he was promising me something but as I watched him turn and leave I felt the whole in my heart stiching itself back together.

"You didn't have to give into him Bella. You know that." Jacob said standing behind me.

"I didn't give in…I gave up." I said hanging my head and letting the last few tears I had left slip from my eyes.

**A.N. Ok that is chapter five I'm hoping that I will get atleast fifteen reviews for this chapter. I'm not going to update until I do. So I'm hoping that everyone liked it and if you will please review I would definitely appreciate it. You guys know that I only update if you guys review. It's my inspiration! Lol ****J**** so please review. **

**~Isabella Black Cullen**


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